fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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