I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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