you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
