remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
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False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
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I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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