Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
