i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
