remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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