So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
