Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
