I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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