I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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