Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
this hospital has no fireball
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
