I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
