I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize