It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
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Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
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Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.