my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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