I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
