If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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