i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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