the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
