I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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