my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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