Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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