im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
