Apparently you make a good broom.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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