Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
