i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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