Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
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I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
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I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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