so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
