so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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