She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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