Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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