We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
