Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
