He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
