Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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