happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
