He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
