i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
