My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
