when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
