She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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