Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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