The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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