If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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