so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
