if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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