he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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