Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
