YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Randomize
