The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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