mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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