I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
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I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
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Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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