oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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