while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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