Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
