Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
