I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
