This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
