I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just threw up on my dentist
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
